I have struggled my whole life with so many emotions about the man who is my dad. I think I look like him, but really don't know him. I do things, and sometimes wonder if I am like him. I find it so very sad that him and I live so close... yet are as far apart as you could get. My relationship with him has been mostly non exsistent. Except there was a time when I was 19 until about 21 where him and I were in touch. I saw glimpses of his heart. I tried to sympathize with his reasons for his absense in my life. I had hopes that it wasn't too late to form a bond with the man who is the other half of me. But I guess sometimes in life, things just don't work out. For whatever reasons my father did not choose to be an active father. The true effort was just not there. God chose him to be my father, so I have to believe and trust that one day I will understand why I couldn't have a loving relationship with my dad. What I do realize, and hold close to my heart is that even though I lacked having a dad...I do have the most wonderful Father who I love so much. The Father who sent his one and only son to die so that I could have eternal happiness. Even though my heart aches for the expierence that I didn't have with my dad, I also rejoice in the fact that I do have God who fills the void. I know I will always have moments of wishing that I could of been a Daddy's girl, or that I could look back on memories of things we did together. I wish he knew me. I wish that I didn't feel rejected by him. I know that a lot of my insecurities stem from not being taught the things a father is supposed to teach his daughter. One thing I look forward to is that if Cory and I ever have a child I know that child will have a very good father who will be involved in his/her life. I will relish in being able to see the love that he will give to our child, and it will bless my heart that my child will know the love of their father. I still love my dad, and I wish him all the best. Everyone has their struggles, and regrets, and maybe not knowing me is one of his. Maybe....
2 comments:
When I read this I pictured your eyes tearing up as you typed it. I know that you love your dad dearly, however, there are reasons our fathers are not in our lives that we might not understand. I know that someday you and Cory will make EXCELLENT parents, and the Lord will guide you through this situation.
Andrea left a good message on my blog, it said "I try to tell myself that there's a difference in being worried and being concerned. Being concerned means that I have an issue that deserves my action or attention, but it shouldn't consume me because God will take care of my needs. Worrying is a result of my not trusting God."
God will take care of your needs Bri!
Dear Bri, I love your post you are wonderful with your words. I too do not know my father, never met him. I have shared in all the feelings that you have posted. Even to being blessed by our Heavenly fathers love. Which at times I wondered what I would have done with out his constance love.
What I do know is having always missed my father and living with his rejection, I made sure I turned the pain from this into being a mother who really enjoys every second of her children's lives and the reward from this has been very healing...I believe you are going to do the same...
God is good will fill our voids...:)
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